Ask me whatever you want!
Anal sex can be a fun new activity for people. The taboo nature of it, is a thrill in itself. Ultimately the area is full of nerves that will get engorged when we get aroused so it is a pleasure center in the body. Contrary to popular belief, anal sex should NEVER. EVER. hurt. There are plenty of tips out there to distract from the pain, but the pain is your body’s way of telling you to slow down, or try something new.
Anal sex should never ever hurt. Period.
The best place to start is with some erotica. The brain is our largest sex organ. Getting your juices flowing by reading some erotica is a really fantastic way to get in the mood. This can be done solo or you can take turns reading to each other if you’re in a relationship. There are some great butt sex erotica collections. Such as Luscious: Stories of Anal Eroticism or Baby got Back: Anal Erotica. So relaxing in a nice warm bath, with a scented candle will help relax your body and mind and get you turned on. My favorite candle is the JimmyJane Afterglow Candles. They burn at a low temperature so you can pour the warm oil directly onto your skin from the candle or into the bath for some aromatherapy.
Now that you’re excited to put things in your butt and turned on and relaxed lets quickly touch on the “dirty” factor that keeps some people away from anal play. There are some enema bulbs that are nice and simple. Simply insert the nozzle, squeeze, and remove the nozzle, then expel the room temperature water. You can do this a few times until the water runs clear. Then just give yourself 20 minutes to 2 hours to let the tissue heal a bit. Whenever you feel comfortable. Just listen to your body. Ultimately we are adults and listening to our body is going to give us clues. Poop isn’t stored in the rectum so it usually isn’t an issue, the enema will get rid of any particles left over but we know when our stomach is upset and we can feel when we have to go. So if you feel that way then maybe right then isn’t the time to explore your nether region.
So now you’re turned on, relaxed, prepped. Now what? If you’re with a partner some rimming, or the act of using the tongue and mouth on the anus, is a great warm up. If you’re alone, using fingers and warming up the area and exploring that way is a good start. One of my favorite toys is the Tantus Ripple. It is a silicone toy so you don’t have to worry about it absorbing any bacteria, you can boil it for a few minutes to sanitize it. But washing it with mild antibacterial soap or a toy cleaner will keep it safe to use in the body. The reason besides it being silicone that it is one of my favorite butt toys is that the beads gradually get bigger so you can do some exploration with what you can fit. If you can only get one or two in, that’s fine. Take your time and get used to it. Anal sex isn’t a race with a finish line, just getting one bead in might be enough stimulation for you. If you do get multiple beads in and use it in a penetrative motion the way your sphincter flexes around the toy actually mimics the way the sphincter moved when you orgasm so it feels really great. The best part of the Ripple is that the base of it is flat so you can throw a vibrator at the base of it and feel it transmit all the way through. The Je Joule Mimi Soft Vibrator is a favorite to use with the ripple because the flat shape lays nicely and transmits their really unique deep rumbly vibration through the ripple. If you’re a woman exploring anal sex then you can even use the vibrator on your clit to help relax you and distract from any uncomfort you might feel.
The most important thing you can have with anal exploration is Lube. There is never too much lube with anal sex. The butt does not self lubricate. And you never want to enter the back door without lube. Rips, tears and a whole host of problems will come without the use of lube. Pjur has a great anal lube, it’s a silicone lube that contains some jojoba, which is a natural muscle relaxer. Silicone lube is a great option for anal sex, but only with skin to skin contact, or with gloves/dental dams/ or condoms. Silicone lube should never be used with a silicone toy because the two bind together and make the toy fall apart. Silicone is great for anal play because it doesn’t get absorbed into the skin, so not having to reapply is really great for anal play. Hybrid lube for silicone toys is a great option. It’s a water based lube, with a small amount of silicone to keep it nice and slick without having enough silicone to ruin a silicone toy. Sliquid Silk is one of my favorites. The brand doesn’t contain any chemicals to harm the body. It’s one of the most gentle lubes for your body.
Breaking up sucks. Period. Bottom Line. Now what?
Time does indeed heal all wounds. But there are some deeper ways to look at this heavily recited mantra.
- Don’t give yourself a set amount of time to heal.
Is healing time two months, one year, two years, five years? Is there a particular shame in hurting? In feeling pain? Do we want to somehow magically erase those scars? Possibly. It might just come down to simplicity. It’s easier to avoid conflict and turn the other way. It’s also probably more comforting to visualize the finality of a grieving period on a timeline. “A year has gone by,” you might say to yourself. “I should be better by now, why aren’t I?” I’ve had the same thought regarding a broken relationship, and someone compassionately conveyed that there is no actual timetable for sifting through loss (of any kind, really).
- Be kind to yourself.
Listen to the things your saying to yourself. Would you say those things to a friend? I would constantly tell myself “just get over it” or “what’s wrong with you”. I would never say either of those things to a friend. So why do I deserve that treatment. You are allowed to feel your feelings. Each and every one is valid.
- Time alone doesn’t heal everything, it’s what you do with that time.
What have I learned from this experience? What meaning can I draw from this loss? The amount of work you put into your current relationship will set up the dynamic for your next. One of the most powerful things you can do for yourself and your partner is to stop blaming someone else for the issues at hand and own those “stuck” areas within yourself that need attention. Even if the relationship ends, it’s worth the effort to work on it to ensure the next one has a better chance for success.
- Real love allows you to be yourself. Your real authentic self.
Love will require you to change. Relationships are a compromise between two people. It’s completely normal to work on some of the idiosyncrasies that annoy your true love; real love allows you to be authentically yourself. This means who you are at your core, not the persona you might be inclined to wear. Real love allows you the freedom to express yourself and your partner will help nurture your growth as a human being. If you feel as if you can’t be authentic around them, they might not be “the one”
- You can only love others as much as you love yourself.
Unconditional self-love is something that every single human being deserves. It is not usually an easy journey, but you attempt to undo all the conditioning and negative thoughts that began the very first time we heard someone we love say anything negative. It’s during uncomfortable moments with others we are able to bring forward aspects of ourselves that have remained hidden or avoided. If you feel love for others, trust me, you will find things within yourself that need work.
Bottom line, allow yourself to feel the pain and, at the same time, trust that someday an attractive someone will pull up a chair next to you and say, “Hi” and your heart will flutter in response.
Sure, Valentine’s day is known as Single Awareness day but that doesn’t have to be depressing! Take the day to Treat Yo Self. Self love is the best love anyway. Because in the words of Rupaul “If you don’t love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else”
Most people don’t think twice about their own happiness so take Valentine’s day as a day to show yourself you care. So two words; SPA DAY!!!
The mind is our biggest sex organ. Pick up some new erotica to get your creative juices flowing. Check out some great titles here.
Run yourself a nice warm bath. Pick up a Sea Grape Massage Candle. Simply light to release the soothing aromas of the essential oils. After 20-30 minutes, blow out the flame and drizzle the warm oils right into your bath. It will relax you with its aromatherapy and leave your skin soft and supple. Keep the candle lit in the bathroom if you want to keep a nice romantic mood.
Grab a Lelo Smart Wand and give yourself a nice back massage. It’s a really great waterproof massager. It’s deep rumble really gets into those tight spots and truly relaxes them. The silicone is really soft and feels great on the skin. And if you’re feeling frisky feel free to use the massager anywhere you want, it’s your day!
But really remind yourself of all the positive points of being single.
You don’t have to share your Valentine’s Day candy with anyone you don’t want to!
I do realize that people sometimes seek the comfort of relationships because they feel lonely and can’t bare to be alone with their own thoughts, and that’s absolutely fine. Everyone deals with their baggage in their own way. However, why search for inner peace, in the form of another person? If you’re unhappy or feeling unfulfilled, do some soul searching to find out whats missing and I can almost guarantee you that what you’re looking for, is not going to be another person. You don’t just add someone to the unhappiness in hopes that it will get better.
I enjoy being alone because I am enough for myself at this moment. Walking around my apartment in almost nothing and not having to be bothered by a single soul, is really nice! Don’t you enjoy the silence that surrounds you after a long day of putting up with bullshit? I know I do. I especially love not having to share my bed OR my food with anyone but my dogs.